feel so small

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you  will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.

John 15:9-17

All I ask is that God use me at whatever capacity I am sought. In the last 8 months, for as much as I would love to sit here and say that I actually sought God, I didn't. Yes, I cracked my Bible, but only at the most dire of times...even still, He was faithful in directing me to exactly what I need to read in that moment. Yes, I thanked God for the beauty of life around me, even in the midst of war...but how many other things did I neglect for that one? How many times did God tap me on the shoulder, seek my attention, or deliver me from adversity...and I was too numb to notice?

I had an incredibly real talk with one of my closest girlfriends tonight, and I sit here now completely humbled and small. I asked God to use me at whatever capacity He sought, and He did...and there are no words for the feeling I am graced with now. That the Creator of this Universe would use me...ME, of all the people, with everything I've done, with everything I've been through...I am entirely compelled to love Him more. I find myself dwelling on:



"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should

  go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide..."

God did not create us to be the losers. He empowered us to be more than conquerers in Christ. I wonder how much better our lives would be if we lived this truth out every day. How much more satisfied would we be? How much more fruitful? How much deeper and more substatial would our relationships be with our family, friends, and significant other...if we simply lived life the way God intended? God never intended us to be overweight and unhappy with ourselves, He never intended for us to suffer with burdens of past hurts, He never meant for us to be alone, isolated, exploited, uncertain, full of regret and mulling over self-imposed consequences as a result.

He meant for us to embrace and reside in His unyielding love for us every. single. day. He zealously chases after our heart, longing to get to know the human being He created, ceaselessly devoting Himself to our heart's desire. He longs to whisper into our Spirit how precious we are to Him, how much He loves us...much like a father invests in his infant daughter. He will never relent until He has all of your heart...of MY heart...He will pursue us endlessly.



The Church, overall, has done a phenomenal job of pushing people AWAY from God. Mankind's view of "religion" has bullied and judged the hurting and lost out of the way, myself included. But, it was only through my out-and-out rejection by the Church, and my rejection OF the Church (don't misunderstand this to read of God, I am only speaking of the socialite gathering on Sunday mornings that is nicknamed 'Church'), that I was able to get to the roots of WHY I believe what I believe:

Love wins.

In every area of my life, love wins. In every word that comes out of my mouth, every action I commit to, God commanded us to love.

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."

And the second step to loving one another is to first love yourself. But in order to love yourself, you must accept the love waiting from a passionate God...