While I'm doing something. While I'm doing nothing at all. While I'm walking, sitting, or staring at the wall...you'll find me checking my pulse because:
my anxiety is through the roof and into the stratosphere.
I'm not sure exactly what has me riled up at the moment...but it makes me queasy. It could be the rockets that have been going off all day. Although I don't 'worry', it's still nervewracking. It could be my stress in transiting home in 21 days. Travelling halfway around the world can be incredibly stressful, which is why I alleviate most of it by not bringing luggage, and preparing myself mentally for the chaos. It could be that I am still working through relinquishing control over areas of my life, and realizing, for what feels like the millionth time, situations that I have no control over. And honestly? It could just be because I am completely overwhelmed with being single right now.
This is the first time since I was 15 that I haven't been in a relationship, or even had prospects. This is the first time I have had a completely clean slate. And over the years, I've realized how many girls are in the exact same boat, and I have become less ashamed of that fact. It tells me more about the world we live in then it does about who I am as a person, really. Malleable, young girls in our world are picked apart by peers and the media. That wouldn't be so bad, but coupled that with not getting the support they need from parents or mentors who can help them better navigate realizing their true value...not the value placed on them by others...and it can be a perfect storm for dependency and insecurity.
This is me.
No, this WAS me.
I'm older now, I've lived a little bit of life, and I have solified my principles and value. I focused less on the circumstances around me, and more on my self discipline. I maintain a calm spirit in the midst of the chaos that surrounds me by keeping my own emotions and thoughts in check. What I find most intriguing though, is that I learned these attributes while being in a relationship. As the days passed, I cared less about the 'fluff' of the relationship, and more about just having someone there to walk my journey with me.
Don't get me wrong, as a girl? 'Fluff' is nice. But it's not necessary. To me, at least.
What is necessary is having a solid foundation. The guts of the deal, the promises made, the reliability of your partner, that's what is necessary. And if you don't have that? You have nothing at all...and sometimes, that is a tough pill to swallow.
my anxiety is through the roof and into the stratosphere.
I'm not sure exactly what has me riled up at the moment...but it makes me queasy. It could be the rockets that have been going off all day. Although I don't 'worry', it's still nervewracking. It could be my stress in transiting home in 21 days. Travelling halfway around the world can be incredibly stressful, which is why I alleviate most of it by not bringing luggage, and preparing myself mentally for the chaos. It could be that I am still working through relinquishing control over areas of my life, and realizing, for what feels like the millionth time, situations that I have no control over. And honestly? It could just be because I am completely overwhelmed with being single right now.
This is the first time since I was 15 that I haven't been in a relationship, or even had prospects. This is the first time I have had a completely clean slate. And over the years, I've realized how many girls are in the exact same boat, and I have become less ashamed of that fact. It tells me more about the world we live in then it does about who I am as a person, really. Malleable, young girls in our world are picked apart by peers and the media. That wouldn't be so bad, but coupled that with not getting the support they need from parents or mentors who can help them better navigate realizing their true value...not the value placed on them by others...and it can be a perfect storm for dependency and insecurity.
This is me.
No, this WAS me.
I'm older now, I've lived a little bit of life, and I have solified my principles and value. I focused less on the circumstances around me, and more on my self discipline. I maintain a calm spirit in the midst of the chaos that surrounds me by keeping my own emotions and thoughts in check. What I find most intriguing though, is that I learned these attributes while being in a relationship. As the days passed, I cared less about the 'fluff' of the relationship, and more about just having someone there to walk my journey with me.
Don't get me wrong, as a girl? 'Fluff' is nice. But it's not necessary. To me, at least.
What is necessary is having a solid foundation. The guts of the deal, the promises made, the reliability of your partner, that's what is necessary. And if you don't have that? You have nothing at all...and sometimes, that is a tough pill to swallow.
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