No, read THIS one.

You know, I was sitting here thinking...because hey, there isn't really much else to do...and I came to the conclusion:

I'm awesome.

I've got a lot going for me...I am leaps and bounds ahead of the game in almost every way. I am out seeing the world, adventuring, grabbing life by the horns and never settling for anything less than I deserve. I might be homesick, but this is life!! And it won't wait for me to get myself together.

In order for me to seize this, I have to be strong. In order for me to strong, I have to look deeeeeep inside myself and rediscover my purpose. Being here, my purpose wasn't as much to serve other people as it was to just quiet myself and learn about others and the world. America is a very loud and demanding place...and it doesn't leave much time or space to do anything other than serve yourself. My Visa card can attest to that. I feel like I am detoxing from that lifestyle again, back into the world of deprivation...but now, I am going to find ways to bring my life of simplicity HERE back into my life at home. That deprivation can translate into homesickness...its easier to just keep doing the drug than to force myself to sober up from the life of "I-want-what-I-want-how-I-want-it-NOW".

I guess that's all there is to it! I am living  a good life, deprived of the unnecessary, and rich in experiences that constant mold and refine me into the woman that I want to be.

into the fire

sobbing.

i laid down for a nap and woke up 12 hours later, disoriented and crying. so much has changed here since i've been gone...even little things, like the area where i used to sit and skype? it's no longer there. so now? i don't know where to go.

i feel like i intentionally threw myself into a nightmare, no looking back. unfortunately, that will do nothing to help me through this, so i eagerly search for things to be grateful for.

that i washed and bagged up my bedding before i left. (so it's clean and fresh to make now)
...(pause)...
i saw some coworkers who asked about my trip...?
...(pause)...
honestly, this is a lot harder than i thought it would be...
i'm grateful i made it here in one piece.

i was talking to a friend today who told me that even though i am weak currently, i wouldn't have come back here if i didn't think i could do it. it was like a light switch in my brain because...

she's absolutely right.

no matter how testing this is, i wouldn't have thrown myself into this fire if i didn't think that i could make it out. so that is the single strand i cling to now...i can make it out of this. i'm not alone, if anything...i have God here with me, and He can feel every beat of my broken heart as He carefully soothes and comforts it (and me) now.

and i will never regret coming back here and shining my light into the darkness...i would if i didn't. So i will move forward and grow where i am planted now, relying on God's strength which far outweighs my own...

it is the only resolution to this. <3

home.
-to return by instinct to one's territory after leaving it.

It has felt incredibly refreshing to be home, back to the place where I was raised, where I know every turn of every dirt road within miles of the farm. Being in the company of my best friends and closest family has completely healed every ache and longing I felt being away. But the gnawing of my approaching return to the battlefield is weighing heavier each day...feeling like a lump in the back of my throat that I just...can't gulp...down...

I am in the midst of a mid-vacation crisis, running through my mind all the things that I wanted to do when I was home that I won't have time for now...and I wonder if this is a small version of what people experience in their forties.

When I left for Afghanistan in January, I was on the brink of the most grand of adventures, diving headlong into an experience I was ill-prepared for in every way, save ambition. I am already beginning to brace myself for re-entry...preparing every facet for impact. Because really? That's what it feels like...

Joyfully freefalling into the belly-flop on water.

When exposed to danger unknowing of it's depth, unable to grasp the reality of it, coping is easy because one can just move forward. But now, I am going back knowing precisely what I will be encountering...and it makes going back that much harder. My gratitude for those in my life supporting me weighs heavy on me this morning...because that support is what will propel me into the adversities I am about to face once more, all in the name of

Supporting Our Troops.

<3